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Navigate The Femme –
"Know my soul, my angel. I'm an evil thing. God wouldn't take me. And the Devil wouldn't either."
"Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."
"Creativity is a drug I cannot live without."
"Be open to your dreams, people. Embrace that distant shore. Because our mortal journey is over all too soon."
"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."
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The One In Which She Is Content... Yet Not Lastnight, Sean and I went to Starla's house to hang out with her, since her husband was sent to FDY. I could understand... I would want someone to spend time with me if my husband was sent away for a few weeks. I would be so lonely... depressed even. We had a fun time, but I ended up getting a terrible migrane. We called our visit shorter than I had wanted. If I wasn't in so much pain I would have felt horrible. Sean and I didn't really eat much, and so we were both a little hungry. I asked him while at Starla's if he would make some Tuna Helper when we got home, and he said he would. I felt taken care of. We got home, and I couldn't stand the lights, the sounds... I just needed to be in a silent dark room. My stomach felt horrible, I thought I was going to throw up, so I pryed myself from bed to sit in front of the toilet for perhaps 5 minutes. My headache got worse, so I went back to bed. Then Sean came in and told me dinner was done, and I got up, miserable. Once I got into the kitchen, I knew I was going to throw up. "I-I think I'm just going to sit in front of the toilet for a little while,"I said. "You haven't eaten all day,"he replied. "You have nothing to throw up." But I sat at the toilet anyways, and was surprised by the amount I had to throw up. The last time I threw up due to a migrane was when I had to go to the therapist while in the foster home. I slept in the bathtub alot because of it. I came out of the bathroom, and Sean handed me a glass of water. My sweetheart. Then we sat on the couch to eat, and he turned on the TV, which made me feel worse. But I ate perhaps half(not even that really) of my bowl of Tuna Helper, and retreated back into the bedroom, where he joined me later. I woke up today, refreshed. The sun was out, and the day seemed friendly. Sean and I watched a movie that Starla let us borrow, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It was really a great movie, about erasing memories of someone. I saw Clementine, and instantly felt soothed. I love how she doesn't care what the world thinks, I love her different colored hair, I love how she's into trying different things, how she's content with the small things in life. And instantly, I was content with the small things in my life. And I made a vow to myself to try to better my life, and my view of everything around me. After the movie, Sean and I stayed cuddled on the couch, and I was so incredibly happy. He kissed my cheek, and I nibbled on his ear, and we were just together. Nothing else seemed to matter, nothing else seemed to exsit... just me, him, and the couch. And I wouldn't have had it any other way. And I wondered... did he feel the exact same at that moment? Content, Loved, Loving... to a point of near explosion? One thing that struck me in the movie was Joel Barish's memories of Clemintine. Such fun memories of small stupid things. And it's usually the small stupid fond things(like playing in the snow on a beach, or cuddling under covers) that stick with you. And I realized that Sean and I don't have many small insignificant things. I want to make more. And I realize that we have our whole lives in front of us to create these fond memories. But we've been together for four months, and I can't think of many... just our marriage, and the wedding night. Life is too dull, too boring often times, and that's when people start arguments, start to feel horrible. I don't want that. It happened in one relationship, with Sid... and I refuse to let this happen in our relationship. I realize that there need to be quiet times, times of simplicity... but that doesn't need to be every day. I want to go out with him, explore wild areas, play games(not video games mind you). I want to go on an impulsive road trip with him. I want to go to the park and swing with him. Perhaps I should just take more initiative, and take charge sometimes in the relationship. I should research where things are, then randomly one day say,"Get ready to go, I'm taking you somewhere." Then just go. Sometimes I wish he would surprise me like that... just take me somewhere, or just bring me home a picked flower, or leave a note on the computer for me. But as Starla would say,"He's a man... men don't think of those things." Yet, in my heart, I know Sean isn't like every other man. And so I hold to the hope that one day... one day he will surprise me in some small way. Of course... one should never hold their breath. p.s. On a completely different side note. I have created a link down there at the bottom(just under my comment box link) called Current Sentiment. This is a link to things I currently ____. For instance, things I'm currently reading, listenting to, feeling, etc. I try to update it every time I write an entry. p.s.s. And on another completely different side note, I have started to write a story(which I hope will one day be published). You can find the link in my link intitled 'brilliance'. – Ava "Sometimes we have to be brought to our knees in order to get in touch with who we really are and what we really want. We can't heal until we hit rock bottom."
all content © copyright Ava(alluring-one) 2004
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