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Navigate The Femme –
"Know my soul, my angel. I'm an evil thing. God wouldn't take me. And the Devil wouldn't either."
"Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."
"Creativity is a drug I cannot live without."
"Be open to your dreams, people. Embrace that distant shore. Because our mortal journey is over all too soon."
"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."
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The One About The Fight Sean and I got into a fight. It highly annoys me when he picks on my feline, Anukis(also known as Nuki). He always tries to scare her, and she wont stay in the same room with him anymore. Today, he pulled the same stunts, and as always I yelled at him to stop it. The fight escalated from there. He shouted at me that he would do whatever he felt like doing. So I screamed back,"She's my cat, and you WILL NOT abuse her." He hollared at me, from the other side of the couch,"This is MY house, and I'll do what I want in it." This hurt me... wasn't this my house as well? And so I corrected him,"OUR house." He merely grunted, then repeated,"I'll do what I want in it." And I shouted back to him,"No abusing my cat, I'm sick of it. She wont stay in the same room as you anymore." He moved into the kitchen now, as I remained in the living room. "I don't care," he said. "Well, I care. I love you both, and want to be in the same room as you and have her come up to me without the fear that you'll snatch her up and force her to sit on your lap for five minutes when she doesn't want to." The argument after that got blurry to me. Perhaps because I ignored a lot of it, not wanting to bicker with him. I merely started to gather up Anuk's food dish, water dish, potty box, a blanket, and a few toys, and put them in a spare room for her. He asked what I was doing, coming into the room I made for Anuk, and so I told him that I made her a room where she could be without him harrassing her. And he got mad, telling me that I had to choose between him and her. I told him he couldn't make me do that, and so he said,"Tomorrow, she's gone." Then he left the room to continue to get ready for work. I was really hurt by this. Anukis is my baby, she's been there for me through all of my troubles, she understands me without having to say a word, she never hurts me, she has unconditional love for me. I wasn't going to get rid of her just because some MAN told me to. But I didn't want to loose my husband of one month. I thought he was highly unfair. He came back in the room, to shout at me some more, telling me that he hated my cat. That our relationship was fine until I got her back. So, rather rudly(I will admit this), I firmly said,"She's not causing the problem, you're the one causing it." I could see that this hurt him, and he was silent for a few seconds. Immediatly I wanted to take it back, but I knew I couldn't. And part of me was glad I said it... after all, it was the truth. He copped and attitude to Anuk before we even got her. Well, he then shouted to me,"OK, then we'll get a fucking divorce!" And he slammed the door, knocking down one of our new pictures. Glass could be heard shattering, but I didn't care... I was far too hurt at his immaturity over the subject. I remained in the room crying, then moved into the Master Bath and locked the door. I knew Sean would want to come in and yell at me again, and I didn't want him to see my cry. As I suspected, he did come in after cleaning up the glass, and wanted to talk. He told me how he felt, that he was jealous of the cat, that I treat her better than anyone else in the household(which I don't, I treat her like I treat any animal). He said that he wanted to get rid of her, and get another cat, one that can grow up with us, one that we could raise together, one that wouldn't spaz out every time he walked in the room. I was upset that he wanted to replace my Anuk, my baby. So I shouted through the wooden door,"Baby, any cat that we get will spaz out if you abuse it the way you do Anuk." So he started to say he didn't abuse Anuk and we bickered about that. I said to him,"I don't care what you say, it is abuse!" Highly angered, he shouted rather loudly. "I don't give a fuck what you say, I don't abuse her and we're getting a divorce." Then left for work. I remained in the bathroom crying for quite some time... I then ventured out, shaking from my crying, face stained with tears, I could barely see. I was so hurt by the fact that I had to choose between my baby and my lover. I will admit, I have problems expressing my pain and my hurt. And the only way I've known, was to bleed it out. I wrapped my wrists up, and then wrote Sean a note, while everything was fresh in my mind, explaining why I was hurt. And then I started to pack my things, because I was going to walk to Starla and Cole's house to have some alone time, and to talk with Starla, since she's always been there for me. Well, as I was packing, Sean came home, and asked me what I was doing, and told me to talk to him. I said,"Everything is in the note." But he wouldn't have it... he didn't want to read it, he wanted to hear it from my mouth. I couldn't talk to him, I didn't want to cry again, especially in front of him. So I kept reffering him to the note, and I moved to the door. He said,"Don't walk out that door." I stopped... I have never taken well to threats, and so I said almost challengingly(which I shouldn't have),"Or what?" And without another word, I walked out the door with my backpack on. Sean came out, got into my face and said,"Fine! You know what? I'm sending you the papers, and we're getting a divorce, and I'm keeping the god damn cat! I don't want to see you here again!" So hurt that I couldn't speak, I couldn't cry, I couldn't really function, I kept on my path numbly... I walked down the street, saw him pass by to go back to work, and then went to Starla and Coles house. They were awake, and invited me in. Starla and I went out to their garage to smoke, and I told her about what went on. She empathised with me, made me feel a little better, and as we were talking about it, we heard a car door. Starla shushed me and went into the house. Soon Srgt.Cox came out into the garage to talk to me. She's really a sweet, wonderful woman, and I adore her. She asked me what was wrong, and that she didn't want to see me hurt or hurt myself... that Sean said a lot of things he didn't mean and that he really did love me. She suggested couples councling. I asked if Sean was there, and she said he was, then asked if I wanted to talk to him. It was far too soon, I knew I'd cry, and I have a problem with crying in front of people, especially those of the male gender. She went into the house, and got me the key from Sean so that I could get back into the house after I hung out with Starla and Cole... and I decided to go back in, and I saw him. I immediatly went to give him a hug, and I was glad to feel his strong arms around me and to bury my face in his neck. I was glad to hear,"I love you." and I was glad to tell him those words back. And then I kissed his cheek, and he and Srgt.Cox left to go back to work. Starla and I then we to Walmart so I could buy cigarettes, and I decided to buy Sean a rose... the symbolism behind that goes back to our wedding day. We were supposed to designate one spot for roses, because a rose is the symbol of love. And if ever we couldn't find the words to say "I'm sorry." or "I love you" or"I hurt" then we were to put a rose in that spot for the other. And so, a month after our wedding date, I'm the first to do this. So now I'm here, after a great night hanging out with Starla, talking about girl stuff, I sit here at the computer, just feet away from the roses I set out for him. I can't wait for him to get home so he can see them. – Ava "Sometimes we have to be brought to our knees in order to get in touch with who we really are and what we really want. We can't heal until we hit rock bottom."
all content © copyright Ava(alluring-one) 2004
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