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Navigate The Femme –
"Know my soul, my angel. I'm an evil thing. God wouldn't take me. And the Devil wouldn't either."
"Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."
"Creativity is a drug I cannot live without."
"Be open to your dreams, people. Embrace that distant shore. Because our mortal journey is over all too soon."
"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."
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The One About the Past and Present A new improved version of me.. But I’m nothing so good.. no, I’m nothing... Just bones.. a lonely ghost burning down songs. Of violence of love and of sorrow... I beg for just one more tomorrow. Where you hold me down, fold me in.. Deep, deep, deep in the heart of your sins. I break in two over you.. I break in two, and each piece of me dies. And only you can give the breath of life. But you don’t see me, you don’t.... Here I’m thin between darkness and light.. Bleached and blinded by these nights. Where I’m tossing and tortured till dawn.. I view visions of you, then you're gone.. The shock bleeds the red from my face.. When I hear someone has taken my place... How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel? When all, all that I did was for you.. I break in two over you.. I break in two, and each piece of me dies. And only you can give the breath of life.. But you don’t see me, you don’t... I break in two over you.. I break in two over you.. Over you, I break in two.. I will break in two, for you.. Now you see me, now you don’t... Now you need me, now you don’t --Autumn's Monologue, From Autumn to Ashes Listening to this song reminds me of my past. I remember that I listened to this song over and over again after Sid and I had a long, drawn out, vicious breakup. It would repeat over and over again... why? I don't know. Perhaps because it explained exactly how I felt. The part that really struck me was "How could love be so thoughtless, so crule, When all, all that I did was for you?". I suppose I can now open up and share the past experiences with my previous engagement to Sid. It's over, I'm not soar about it, and I hope that others can learn from me. Sid was not physically abusive to me. He never hit me, nor did he choke me as some of my previous boyfriends did. I had moved from Minnesota out here to Idaho. Started my 11th grade year here, and it was mandatory for me to take debate. Which I did. I didn't like it, I didn't do anything. And it was required of me to attend and debate in a tournament. So I just borrowed someone's papers without even knowing the topic. The first debate round was against Sid. Needless to say, Sid and his partner won that round. My partner, Kayla, and I then went to have a friendly chat with them after the round. We had two more rounds that day, and three the next day, and after every round we'd talk with them, and play games. I gave them my email address so we could all keep in touch after the tournoment. Sid emailed me right away. We emailed back and forth, and he asked me out. Though I was still in my man-hating Amazonian fetish, I said yes. I don't know why... We dated for three years. I remember that we couldn't go to our senior prom... so he made a prom for me in my mothers basement, with a candle lit dinner, and dancing in my bedroom to music, and of course, sex... lol(we had been sexually active since our 5 month mark). I remember Sid would ride his bike 20 miles in the beginning of the realtionship from his town to my town to see me. We'd sneak him in at night and he'd spend the night with me. Things were happy then. I really loved him, and he loved me. Of course, I was blinded by the want of love that I didn't see all the horrible things he was doing to me. I had a best friend from Minnesota who was a male. Adam Gish. Adam really liked me, and asked me to be his girlfriend, but I denied him. However, we remained friends, and he kept telling me that he loved me. Sid happened to see me check my email once and asked who this 'Adam' was. He made my life miserable until I wrote to Adam saying that I didn't like him and didn't want to be his friend anymore. I lost a good friend for Sid. In debate there was this freaky guy named Boone who liked me. I didn't like him, but I was always polite about it to him. We traveled 50 miles on a school bus for Debate Districts. Kayla and I didn't make it to state, yet Boone did. I remember we were on the back of the bus, and Boone gave me a hug and tried to kiss my lips. I turned my head so he got the corner of my mouth and my cheek instead. I told Sid this, and he got pissed at me, as though it was my fault. What was I supposed to do to avoid it? Walk home 50 miles?! I remember we had many MANY fights. I was angry that he was in an anti-gay group. Once he quit the group, the leader put me on his hit list. Yippee... I remember we fought about the subject of rape. He said that if ever I was raped he would leave me because it would be my fault. I never understood how. He explained that I was the one who wore the attractive clothing, or I was the one who chose to walk down the alley or whatnot. Fuck that! It was just a multitude of little things like that which I never saw until after we broke up. Well... when I started college, we got engaged. Me being the feminist that I was, proposed to him. He said yes, with no intention of even setting a date. We moved in together shortly after. His parents hated me. Sid worked at DTV, I worked at DQ. While I was going to school I got $700 a month from the VA. I was making about $1100 a month. He was making about $400 a month. Rent was $400 a month. With utilities and food it came to about $700 a month. He should have been paying half, and so should have I. That's not the way it worked out, because he wanted to use my credit card to buy himself a 'bad ass computer'. He was just using me for money, and independence from his parents. When school ended, so ended my VA checks. Sid didn't want to live with me anymore when his paychecks would actually have to go to rent. So he moved back in with his parents and I moved into a cheaper apartment. I should have known that he didn't love me anymore... but I was clinging to hope. Things went downhill from there. I sunk into depression, and he was more concerned with his sexual needs than me. He rarely came to see me. He never really called me. I was all alone, with no one... I tried to commit suicide, but obviously(and thankfully) it didn't work. His friends also became more important than me. On New Years Eve I spent the whole night alone, crying because I had no one... he was getting drunk at a party. I admit... it was partially my fault that I had no one... I was burning my own bridges... no, I never built them. My life revolved around Sid. He got pissy everytime I hung out with what little friends I did have. "You were out with them trying to pick up guys, weren't you?!" Stupid shit like that. It got to the point that I gave up friends to spare myself the misery afterwards I'd get from him. I had no one but him... which is what any jealous over possessive boyfriend wants, no? Living with that for three years ruined me. I got jealous that he would ignore me for his friends. I hated his friends, but I had good reason. They did extacy and horse tranq and heavy drugs. I told him to choose between them and me, He chose them. Again, I spiraled into depression. The only person I loved... didn't love me. My supervisor at work could see my depression and gave me a card for support... my work had this hotline you could call to just talk to someone in times of need. It was on my floor among the other trash I let build up because of depression. One night I just couldn't stop crying(this was a nightly thing now), and pulled out all my pills, and knives. I saw the card lying on the floor. The knives in one hand, the card in the other. I cried and cried, and cried... knowing deep down that the card was the right option, yet wanting to use the knives. I was frightened. I was tormented and scared, and wanted to end it all. But Imustered up the courage to call. Shakey fingers slowly dialed the numbers on the card, numbers blurred by my vision. The lady asked what was going on, and I just broke down, I could hardly speak. She asked if I had thoughts of suicide. Yes. She quickly transferred me to this guy named Bob. I was such a mess that he couldn't understand anything I was saying and told me to take deep breaths with him on several occassions. He reassured me that I was right in giving Sid that ultimatum. That I shouldn't live in a relationship like that. He told me that I was really strong for calling, and that I had a lot going for me in my life. I didn't think I did. He really made me feel better that night... but I still loved Sid... I didn't want three years of my life to go to hell. I tried to talk to Sid, I tried yet again, as I did several times in the past to work on the relationship when he didn't want to. He said he wanted to work on the relationship. So that gave me hope. False hope. I worked my ass of extra hard to make him happy... happy with me, happy with the relationship. He went on his merry little way doing what he always did, giving nothing of himself to me nor the relationship. I explained to Sid on several occassions that a womans heart was like a fishbowl filled with little heart beads. Women give and give of their heart beads to help others, to make others happy. And usually others give beads back in one form or another. Yet my fish bowl was empty. He did nothing to fill it, or even put one bead in it. I would have been happy with just one heart bead... He then said that he didn't want a relationship with me at the moment... he was enjoying single life and I should too. I tried. I made a few friends at work(Fluffy and Charlotte). I went to their house for a little get together of drinking, and made one of the worst mistakes of my life. I got really drunk, and slept with a guy a didn't really know. Why? Perhaps I wanted to feel close to someone. Perhaps I wanted to feel sexy, and wanted by someone, since I didn't get that from Sid. I don't know... but I do know that it was a mistake. The next night, Sid and I went out to see Lord of the Rings, and he said he wanted to get back together with me. This was around christmas time and I was staying at my mothers house 20 miles away from my apartment to watch over the house since mom was gone. We were talking on the phone, and I broke down and told him what I did. He got pissed off and hung up on me saying he wanted nothing to do with me. He called later, saying that he over reacted, and that I was going through a hard time... he tried to listen, but was just asking questions to get more pissed at me. For months it was back and forth. "I do love you. I do want to be with you." "I want to be single, just be friends and maybe get back together in the future." "I don't love you anymore, I wish it could have worked out." "You're a whore, I can't be with you now." His mind changed every 24 hours it seemed like. One of the main reasons he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me was because he didn't like how I went to parties and drank(he did the same thing!) So I began to ditch my new friends again to make him happy and want to be with me. One night he said that he did want to get back together with me. Me thinking that it was a 24 hour thing didn't really say anything about it. We didn't really talk for a week, and then I went to his house, wanting to get back together, thinking he wanted to work things out. He didn't. Valentines day he told me that he liked someone else, and he didn't wanna really talk to me anymore. For days I moped around in depression with no one. I even went out and priced guns. I cut myself over and over again all over both of my arms. Daily I cut myself... I had no money for guns, cutting would do until I pawned my shit off for the guns. But I didn't pawn my stuff off for guns... instead I called my mom, who tried to be strong for me and talk me out of it... but I could hear her crying. Daily my mom called me to make sure I was alright, and to talk, and give me encouragement and strength. And I couldn't kill myself after talking to her... I couldn't hurt her like that. I love my mom so much, she's one of the best people I know. Just recalling talking to my mom, and hearing her cry for me makes me cry right now. Yes, for months I still thought about Sid. I still wanted to be with him. I wondered "How could love be so thoughtless, so crule... when all that I did was for him." Eventually, I got over it... I rekindled friendship with Fluffy and Charlotte, and hung out with BOB more often. I never really pulled out of depression, as I had money and debt problems shortly after... but it wasn't so severe anymore. I met Sean May 29th... my birthday. I know now what love is. I know what it is to be loved, and to be cared for. I'm happy. I am starting to actually somewhat like myself... I've known Sean for 4 months and we just got married a month ago. I'm skittish... I don't want this to turn into another failed relationship. I'm afraid to suffer the same pain... I wouldn't be able to survive it. But Sean is so different than Sid. Sean loves me truely. Sean may have some jealousy when it comes to me and other guys, but not the possessive type. His is healthy. Sean knows I wont cheat on him... and I know Sean wont cheat on me. Sean and I have trust(yes, I am still skittish with my trust, but I"m getting better!). Sean wants to make me happy, he's not worried about his own wants. Sean is giving, sincere, kind, loving... he apologizes when he needs to, and doesn't hold grudges against me. Sean always reassures me of his love, that I'm beautiful, that I'm smart, etc. There is never a moment that I doubt his love. When he leaves to go to work he give me a kiss. It's not like it was with Sid(just a quick peck and a goodbye that never seemed to mean anything). Sean leans into the kiss, he puts meaning into it. It's always different. He wrapps his arms around my waist, or rubs my cheek, or the kiss is long, or it's quick, or it's a french... and it's as though for those few seconds, I'm the only thing in the world to him. Nothing else matters... Every time he comes home, it's like I'm the first thing he wants to look at... he usually gives me a hug and a kiss. Unless I'm sleeping. Though I think there was this one time where I might have been half asleep, that he kissed me anyways and whispered in my ear,"I love you." No one has ever made me feel as special as Sean. Oh how I love him... Part of me feels like I deserve this... after all I went though(Sid wasn't the only horrible relationship). But then there's another part that feels I don't. Sean can get better than me. I'm honestly not that great... I don't know what he see's in me. I remember once he said that he wished I could see what he see's in me. That then I would love myself. And oh my god, I'm crying again. How can I cry over reminising over something like that? Have I never heard nice things like that? No. And I feel undeserving. Sean is so wonderful... – Ava "Sometimes we have to be brought to our knees in order to get in touch with who we really are and what we really want. We can't heal until we hit rock bottom."
all content © copyright Ava(alluring-one) 2004
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