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Navigate The Femme –
"Know my soul, my angel. I'm an evil thing. God wouldn't take me. And the Devil wouldn't either."
"Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."
"Creativity is a drug I cannot live without."
"Be open to your dreams, people. Embrace that distant shore. Because our mortal journey is over all too soon."
"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."
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The One About The Bugs But... back to my beginning point(I'm sorry, I seem to stray from points quite often). I hate smoking at night. There are so many bugs outside at night. Moths flit around seeking the light as though it's some sugary treat of goodness. I leave the outside lights off for this reason, but the inside lights also attract them. Of course Anukis enjoys this, as she gets herself a savory kitty snack when one happens to follow me in. Then there are these stupid little black bugs, which I call Rolly Polly bugs. They attack from every direction, so I cannot sit, and I often spin around to make sure they don't come too near to me. The spinning with the smoking is not a great combination. I get dizzy easily. Sometimes I try to flick my ashes onto them just to piss them off(though I'm sure they are incapable of emotions such as that). I always seem to miss my target though. Sometimes there are spiders out there. Those I hate above all else. One was hanging from a thing string right next to me and I didn't realize it until the last second. Imagine my shock and fear, and I lept out of the way, still keeping an eye out for any ground walkers that would sneak up on me. There are also the spiders who choose to climb my stairs and run rather fast twords me. I hate those as well. I'm far too frightened to even get close enough to step on them and squish the fuck out of their tiny little brains. One was so big, and I saw it right before stepping outside, and opted to remain inside at the door to smoke. And then we have the lovely 'Stink Bugs'. They look like giant beetles with thin arms. If you step on one they release a dreadful stench that stays there for days. It happened in one of my school class rooms. When we moved out here to Idaho we were warned never to place our clothes on the floor because of two reasons... poisoned hobo spiders, and the stink bugs. One stink bug in a wash will ruin your whole load. Lovely. So then... I'm sure two questions come into your mind. Why smoke outside? Because we dont want our house to smell. Next, why smoke at night... do you ever sleep? Yes, I do sleep, but I sleep during the day. The reasoning for this is that my husband works the midnight shift, and I choose to remain awake when he's at work, so I can sleep when he does. Of course, I might be needing to change my habits very soon. Now that we have a car, Sean is taking me out to find a job. He said we'd search today, but I doubt we will. We usually sleep when everything is open. I have mixed feelings about getting a job. I'm excited. Finally I will have other things to do. I'll get to meet more people. I'll make money to pay off my debts. In the same breath, however, I'm a bit distraught about it. I hate manual labor for one, and I'm sure that's all the jobs that are open. Next, I will have less time to spend with Sean. And I'll have less time to do my online hobbies or write. I've just started to write some short stories... mainly fanfiction. I also have in mind a fairly decent idea for a novel, though I highly doubt it would even sell. I enjoy writing... getting into the role of another character, being someone else for a change... yet I always seem to doubt myself and my writing skills. I need to have another goal in mind rather than becoming a writer. There is nothing, yet everything at the same time. I suppose that's what I get for being born under the sign of a gemini. I have many skills, and many intrests, yet I only dabble lightly in each. I can never make up my mind and settle in one skill. I can never choose my future ocupation, especially if I can't narrow it down from the following: teacher, writer, photographer, zooligist, park ranger, police officer, lawyer, paralegal, webdesigner, recreational therapist, or speech therapist. Choices choices... and I'm interested in them all equally, as well as doubting of myself in each area. Sean and I finally signed me up for Tricare. I can now visit the doctor. We'll be making an appointment soon for a full physical. Perhaps I'll get my ears cured. I've been suffering from an ear infection for the longest time, and it's starting to scab and look quite grotesque on the outside. Perhaps then I'll be able to see if I'm pregnant or not. I honestly hope not, as we don't have the money to raise a child. But then again, who ever does, unless they are a millionare? I must be honest, a very small part of me would be happy, I suppose. I think I would be a fairly good mother. And I would have an excuse to do childish things. Yet a larger part of me would be distraught. I'm far too selfish to have a child. I don't want to grow big, get an outie belly button, have to pee every ten minutes, throw up every day, get headaches, go through the pain of labor, spend every moment of my waking and sleeping hours tending to a newborn infant. No... far too much work and stress. And I enjoy sleeping on my stomach far too much. Perhaps when I'm older... but not now! Oh how I detest bugs. Every time I go out to smoke, I come back in, and feel as though they are crawling in my clothes or in my hair. I itch all over, and freak out. I think I want to go take a shower now... – Ava "Sometimes we have to be brought to our knees in order to get in touch with who we really are and what we really want. We can't heal until we hit rock bottom."
all content © copyright Ava(alluring-one) 2004
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