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Navigate The Femme –
"Know my soul, my angel. I'm an evil thing. God wouldn't take me. And the Devil wouldn't either."
"Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."
"Creativity is a drug I cannot live without."
"Be open to your dreams, people. Embrace that distant shore. Because our mortal journey is over all too soon."
"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."
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The One In Which She Reminisces About Aunk I was reading through some older journal entries. Entries about Anukis... when I had to get rid of her... July 24th, 2004 "A deep sorrow sets in, as today Sean and I are going to Poky. Charlotte and Fluffy don't like my feline, Anukis, and they want me to take her from them. My mom doesn't really want to take care of her for the month I need a pet sitter either. And living on base with Sean won't allow me to have a cat for the next month. Sean was sweet enough to try to contact anyone that he knew to see if they could take care of my sweet little chere, but as unluck would have it, there is no one. I'll be travelling 200 miles, spending a little quality time with my baby, and then taking her to the animal shelter. I'm going to miss her so very much. I love Anukis more than I love myself. She was my first cat... I've had her for two years. How can one love a mere animal more than they love themselves? It's quite simple really. I never loved myself. I've never enjoyed spending time with myself. Nor have I liked looking at myself, making myself happy, caring for myself... the simple joys that I had in my life were Anukis, and creativity. And now all I'll have left is creativity, something which I fear will be stripped from me too as time goes by and societal influences seep into my fragile mind. Reminisce... So... here we are... the beginning of a new journal, and the ending of a beautiful friendship. I would gladly give up my soul searching in journalling just to keep my Anuk. But perhaps I'm just being selfish and miserly... I sicken myself." July 25th, 2004 "She's gone. The thoughts go back and forth…between uncertainty, loss, indifference. I don’t know what I want anymore, other than knowing I want Anuk...not that my wanting changes anything. I keep feeling as though I've wronged her. I have abandoned my sweet chere. Upon entering Fluffy and Charlotte's dwelling Anuk came running right up to me. It was the first time in a long while she ventured into their living room. She let me pick her up, she rubbed her head against my chin, tickled my neck with her whiskers, sat on my chest as though I was her human... and I am. No other animal owned me like Anuk did. Likewise, I owned no other like I did Anuk. It was a mutual understanding that we had of eachother. Nobody understood me better than Anukis did. She was the only one who sat with me, worried about me from the other side of the door when I attempted suicide. Nobody understands Anuk like I do. No other person will understand that she doesn't like to be held all the time. She doesn't like to be picked up when she's in a comfy spot, or when she's on a mission to get somewhere. No one will know that when she wants affection she'll ask for it by stretching up and rubbing her paws on your upper leg. No one will know that the only two toys she plays with are the plastic peices you rip from sealed milk, and a little purse I had made of rabbit fur. It was so hard. I wouldn't be able to go through the pain again. Just before leaving to take her to the Animal Shelter, Charlotte kept talking about the good things about her. That she was a very beautiful cat, and would easily find a home, etc etc. I kept thinking,"Shut-up... don't make this harder for me." In the car Anuk was hysterical... panicked... bewildered... confused... forlorn Sean wanted me to hand him a cigarette, but I told him,"No... not until you finish your mission." I acted as though it were a game. A game! And now I feel even more miserable than I would have if I didn't pretend it was a game. I feel so wretched for acting as though Anuk was just some piece of excess baggage that we needed to get rid of. But you must understand, I'm not the type of person to show emotions of 'weakness'. I didn't want Sean, nor Charlotte to see me weep. Yet when parked in front of the Animal Shelter, when it came down to the remaining seconds, I could not help but exploed in an emotional blob. Trying to hide me being a sentimental fool, I turned away from Sean, smushing my face into the glass. Charlotte could see me weep, but I felt as though it was ok, because a few things were covering bits of my face. Better Charlotte than Sean. And now... now she is gone. I could not get up from bed all day, except for extremeties. The only extremety was using the bathroom. I have only eatten a bowl of cereal for the past 36 hours, and I don't really feel like eating just yet. I keep wishing with an idel hope that when Sean and Charlotte were in there, they were able to work something out... something they aren't telling me. That perhaps they were able to board Anuk there until Sean and I marry and find residence together. Or perhaps that the very next day my mother or my Aunt and Uncle went to the animal shelter and purchased Anukis back, to bless Sean and I with as a wedding present. But all my wishing is in vain... as the world never work on mysterious ways for the better. She is gone." July 27th, 2004 "I feel better and better as the days go by... I’m still longing for that which I can’t have. I still wonder what she feels and thinks. This still hurts me. But it all seems less formidable now. Or perhaps I'm still weary from the pills. Doing small every day tasks has always been an accomplishment for me when in a state of abjection. Especially when I do small tasks for myself. I'm always a giver, and in states of desolation it's always easier to do things for other people. I got out of bed for Sean. I cleaned for him while he was at work. I ate for him so he wouldn't worry. None of this would I do for myself. In my mind, I'm not worth it. Yet, a sure sign that I'm doing a bit better, I showered. It was no pampering, mind you, I wouldn't be that nice to myself after being so crule to Anukis. But I did wash my hair, and my body. The feel of water trickling in little cascades down my skin always comforted me. It's true... water is the element of emotion. My tears flowed freely down my face for the last time. I was able to pull myself together lastnight and pray to everything holy in every pantheon and every faith that my Anuk would understand that I would have kept her if I could. That she knew I still loved her. And that she would find a good loving home that would take excellent care of her. I understand that I will never know what happened to her. But I'm not going to dwell on the miserable things anymore. As far as I know, someone could have purchased her the very next day... someone like me, who could give her the same love that I could. Someone who kept her name, who doesn't force affection on her, who doesn't harm her. Yet still, in vain, part of me clings to the hope that someone was kind enough to surprise me with her. Sadly, I will be let down. Hopefully my heart will be mended to near perfection before that time comes so I can better handle it." To think, I was so close to loosing my chere. But with luck, and the meeting of a wonderful friend, who has become my best friend, I was able to get Anukis back. I feel complete... I wouldn't be able to go through the loss of Anukis again. She is far too dear to me. How is it that I was so blessed, to have found Anukis, and to get her back when I thought all hope was lost? – Ava "Sometimes we have to be brought to our knees in order to get in touch with who we really are and what we really want. We can't heal until we hit rock bottom."
all content © copyright Ava(alluring-one) 2004
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